I am not ok.

I am not ok. I will never ever be ok again.

I keep thinking this isn’t real, none of this is real. Maybe I’m the one on the ventilator sedated and this is the nightmare I am stuck in. Maybe Jonathan is ok, and home with the kids and soon I will be awake and able to hug him. I’m praying that’s what this is, even though I know deep down it’s not. He’s gone, I will never see him again, I will never see him smile at the kids and I again. I won’t ever hear his voice again… he’s gone. Like how fucked up is that.

I am so afraid I am going to forget, forget his voice, his smile, his laugh, his hugs. I know deep down this isn’t the case, I could never forget anything about him but haven’t heard his voice in months, there have been no “babes” no “I love you” nothing just silence. So even though it hurts, I’ve watched all the videos I have almost every single day, just to make sure I remember his voice. His voice that told me he loved me multiple times a day, his voice that laughed all the time, that voice that was singing all day everyday (horribly). He would always sing the words wrong… always. I think he did it on purpose because he knew it made me laugh, those little things are part of the million little things I love about Jonathan.

I’m still clinging onto what our lives were before this. I keep hoping that life will come back, but it’s not. Being in our house without him is HELL, being without him is HELL. I know him so well, I know what our texts would be, I know what our conversations would be. I know everything about him, and our life that we built together. And he’s not here anymore to continue it, I have NO ONE to talk to. I literally only have conversations in my head with Jonathan. I don’t hear him respond but I keep hoping he will. I’m so lonely, so lonely. And yes, I have had family around to help, but it is not Jonathan. I love our families, and I am grateful each of them have stepped up to help us in some way. But I can’t talk to them, they’re not Jonathan. I want my husband, I want to joke with him, I want him to annoy me, I want to watch him with our kids and just smile at how amazing he is as a father. Jonathan always drove me insane, I would get frustrated with him, if he wasn’t a helicopter parent like I am. But still, I can’t think of a single interaction he had with our kids where I didn’t smile to myself. Watching him be “Da” was the most amazing thing to witness ever. I’ve never seen someone go from not having any interaction with young babies, to a complete pro like Jonathan. He absolutely set the standards on what a man should be as a father. I loved him more because of how he was as a dad. Even when things were tough for us (because we’re a normal couple who has rough days) seeing him just be himself with the kids automatically made me melt. The kids were so enamored by him, he is the fun parent. The one who wrestles and is over the top, the one who always has the kids smiling and laughing.

And that was stolen from our kids and from Jonathan, absolutely stolen and I am devastated for them.

I went back and read some of our final texts to each other in the hospital, and even though now it’s very obvious how concerned Jonathan was, I also see how hard he was trying to believe he was going to come home. I don’t think he ever thought he wasn’t going to make it home. And don’t get me wrong he 100% voiced how scared he was, but he also seemed like he was getting better. We talked about how “blessed” we were, and how we had so many things to do when he got home. One of which was going on our first family vacation ever. We kept saying we were going to do it, but once the pandemic became a reality, we quickly realized we need to prioritize what we want to do and stop worrying about the rest. I mean two weeks prior to Jonathan becoming sick we were definitely starting to take a different approach to how we were living our life. We knew we needed to take advantage of our time together, and we were starting to. But then it was shattered, our perfectly imperfect world was burned to the ground.

One of the texts he sent me said “I miss you so much, there is a hole in my heart”. And fuck, if that isn’t a direct hit on what it feels like right now. I read over our final days of texting, and I told him every second I could how much I loved him, and how proud of him I was. And I am glad I did that, we wouldn’t speak on the phone much because it took a lot out of him, and he had a roommate, so he didn’t want to be rude. But I made sure he knew I was here, ok and how madly in love with him I was. And Jonathan told me he loved me as well, but he always did that. I hopefully want to get our texts printed out someday soon, he was the sweetest human being to me. Yes, we had off days but 90% of our days were amazing. I was told how much he loved he loved me so many times a day, he never went more than a few hours without saying it. I mean I didn’t realize how much until it’s gone completely silent. I know I would also randomly tell him I loved him during the day, and especially when he was home. I just always loved hearing him say it. I also loved hearing him tell me old stories about us, and what he thought of me, what he loved about me. He always got so annoyed when I asked him questions about when we first started dating, because he had “told me a million times’ but I still loved hearing he tell me just one more time.

I think it’s because I looked at Jonathan like “holy shit, how does this amazing man love me”. I mean Jonathan is my dream man, every single thing about him was attractive to me. I loved kissing him, hugging him and just being affectionate with him. Because I found him that attractive, and over the last few years he was really becoming comfortable with himself (in a fashion sense) and it was amazing. The way he dressed, he did his hair, his tattoos. He was undeniably gorgeous. I mean even thinking about him now, I picture him, and I still think of what a gorgeous person he was.

He was my biggest crush for 13 years, and we spent 10 years together. I always thought how amazingly lucky I was that I married my dream guy. Jonathan considered himself lucky as well, and you know what that got him? Nothing. Because of me he’s gone, because he loved me, he is gone. I wish I could stay positive when I write this all down, but I can’t because my head isn’t positive. I keep thinking about all these amazing things about Jonathan and writing them down make me fall even more deeply in love with him. But he’s gone, so falling more in love with him accomplishes nothing. I should have done this when he was alive, he would have felt more loved. But I didn’t.

The silence in my head, my heart and our home is deafening. Do you know how scary it is to realize you will never have that sort of connection with anyone ever again? I will never have love and friendship ever again. I have our kids, which is amazing, and I am so thankful they are 50% Jonathan. But my kids won’t stay up and have late night conversations with me, they won’t have the same stories and memories. My true connection with any other human is gone. It’s scary and its devasting.

I feel awful for the kids, I look at them and see everything they lost. I see everything that was taken away from Jonathan, and what our lives will lack from now on. For years I think I was able to be this wonder mom because I had Jonathan as my biggest cheerleader. He literally made me feel like this superhero, but I don’t have that anymore. I don’t have my best friend in the corner telling me how amazing I am. I think having Jonathan be so complimentary on my parenting made me be an even better parent because I loved impressing him. I loved him telling me how amazing I was, and it was not because I needed positive reinforcement. It was because I thought Jonathan was an impeccable person, and I admired everything about him. So, hearing this person I looked up to tell me how amazing he thought I was, it was the biggest high.

So now I am trying to figure out how to be mom and dad, I am trying to be my own cheerleader but it’s not working. I can’t be the mom I want to be without Jonathan, I didn’t want to be a mom without him. And now I am a single parent. My life is a sick joke.

I keep picturing Jonathan in the hospital, the conversations we had (more me talking to him), and I think about that last night. What he looked like, and looking at him, knowing he suffered. It’s almost as if I get close to picturing a happy memory of him, and that vision pops in my head. My husband thinking, he had made it, we were going to see him soon and then his heart just stops. How scared he must have been, how much he missed us. And now he can’t be with us, there is no coming back from this. This isn’t something that with time will get better, there’s no fixing this. He’s gone, and his physical body is in a beautiful clock on our dresser. His spirit is somewhere far from me, and it’s over.

It’s all over.

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